Problem with a Hostile Coworker

I recently received a question from Shimi in India, "I have a problem with a hostile co-worker. She snatches--literally--things from me, snaps at me, and makes slated nasty comments about me within my earshot. I have not been able to summon the courage to tick her off because she is immensely popular in the group, whereas I'm constantly isolated.

The whole thing is depressing. How can I tackle her without others openly turning against me?"

If you were a manager, how would you handle this situation if one of your team members had the courage to bring the situation to your attention? Your action should be two-fold but here was my response to Shimi:

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In situations such as these I often suggest people change their attitude, behavior or environment. So let’s look at each aspect.

** Attitude

You can chose to ignore these bullies or not say anything and just get on with your job, but in doing so you’re actually letting them get away with bad behavior and that’s what allows them to repeat it over and over again. So I suggest you take behavioral action.

** Behavior

I know you are wary of taking action because you don’t want to be isolated by your peers, but it’s a necessary step to assert yourself. And the only reason she may be ‘popular’ is because others are afraid of her wrath and would rather be on her good side than her victim!

Tell the bully you want to speak with her (in private) and say something like, “I just wanted to talk to you because there have been a few things that have occurred lately which have made me feel uncomfortable.” Give her a couple of examples, but always come from the “I”, never the “you”. For example, “When this happened, I felt… and I’d appreciate if it didn’t happen again.”

When people hear, “You did this..” they immediately go on the defensive – so avoid that language.

I know speaking with her will take a lot of courage, but it’s asserting your self worth and the fact you won’t put up with being treated poorly. Practice before you have the conversation.

If after you have spoken with her nothing changes, it’s time to escalate the issue to your manager.

Make an appointment with them and let them know that there have been times where you have felt bullied (and say “bullied” because that’s what it is and a responsible organization will have a bullying policy – in fact, check out what it is before you speak with your manager).

In the meeting take a list of bullying incidents (make sure you document them when they occur so they are fresh in your mind). Let your boss know you have been proactive in having a conversation with her, but to no avail, and you would like their help in dealing with the situation.

If none of the above resolves the issue then I suggest you consider changing your environment.

** Environment

There is no way you want to work in an environment that condones bullying. So I suggest you look to change departments or companies. The longer you stay there the more your self-esteem will plummet and the more miserable you’ll become.

I don’t want you thinking, “But it’s hard to get another job”, because it’s not. Even by starting to look for a new role in a company that values you will make you feel better about the situation because you’re being proactive about your feelings instead of just staying stuck in a negative environment.

I hope the above helps, I know it will take courage, but you’re worth it!

You may also want to check out something I wrote about bullying on my blog which includes some interesting links:

http://madisenharper.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/bullying-at-work-the-harrassment-ends-with-you-like-watching-a-puppy-get-a-kicking-every-day/

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As a manager, team leader or supervisor it's important to teach employees to take responsibility for situations. But it's also essential that you are supportive, especially if you suspect a case of bullying. You can use much of the advice I gave Shimi such as checking company policy on how to deal with the situation and address the person immediately. Unchecked bad behavior is detrimental to teams and individuals and as a people manager it's your responsibility to ensure overall well-being.